July 16, 2009

Yippie-kai-ye, Potter

*Warning: this post contains spoilers like how Snape and Voldamort take over a Los Angeles office building in order to steal a half-billion dollars. Also, Rosebud is the sled.*

After having woken up at 5 PM after sleeping off last night's crazy 3AM Red Bull fueled adventure into the Potterverse, I feel safe to share a few words about our good friend Alan Rickman (AKA Snape):

Alan Rickman is a good actor who, due to an unfortunate accident involving his complete inability to move the muscles in his face except his lower lip, is always cast in the same role. Alan Rickman is, and will always be, Hans Gruber from Die Hard. Die Hard: Hans Gruber in a suit. Harry Potter: Hans Gruber in a wig. Sweeney Todd: Hans Gruber in a powdered wig. Robin Hood: Hans Gruber in a powdered David Bowie wig. 

A good chunk of this casting problem comes from the fact that he can only deliver lines without letting his bottom lip touch his teeth. When you go to see the movie for a second time (because I know you will), keep a good eye on Mr. Rickman's lower lip. If you're the alcoholic type, try drinking every time you see his bottom row of teeth. You'll be smashed by the time he kills Dumbledore.

One more thing while I'm on it: Harry Potter 6 does not have the famous line: "Don't call me a coward!" which Snape screams at Potter after Gandalf the Grey bites the dust. To many purists this is a rather important part of the sixth book: it foreshadows the whole "Snape is evil. PSYCHE he's not!" thing. However, the day any director gets Hans Gruber to scream in uncontrolled emotional rage is the day I eat my own hat. I don't wear a hat.

Alan Rickman, I wish you luck escaping the awesome power of Hans Gruber, the only person ever to beat up Bruce Willis. I look forward to seeing your work in a non-Gruber film.

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